This bitch from johnsburg...
Occurred Aug. 2010
Written March 2011
When a typical day turns into a stranded night in Johnsburg, IL with a small riot about to break out
because your friend tried stabbing someone with a pair of scissors, it’s almost impossible to wrap your mind around the night that you’re part-taking because it seems like a big bomb of excitement exploding right in front of you.
While hanging out with the lads, Presto said he had a party for us up in Johnsburg, but while he mentioned
this, he said I wasn’t allowed to go with. Wait, what the fuck?! Are you kidding me?! Right then and there, I felt like an average person. Is this how it feels when you drop the fuck off bomb on someone? Fuck, I’m Porch McDonagh! I always get to go to the parties! After a short pout session, Presto confronted me.
Presto: “Yo Porch you can come to the party if you get us booze.”
Porch: “Yes, I can most defiantly get you alcohol!”
Fuuccckkkk yeeaaahhhh!!!!! Peace out average life, Porch McFuckingDonagh Tha Stunna is rolling through! These fuckers must have been twiddling with my balls…god damn it! We gathered up in the car and met up with a few lads; Anthony, Kurt, and Kevin. Anthony’s cousin was throwing the party out and when he walked out of his house he couldn’t have looked any better! He came walking out with a bunch of bottles of liquor in his hands. After jacking off and exploding with mass amounts of semen, I knew that I owe him a night out on the town! I made a bunch of phone calls trying to get more alcohol but it was a bust. We cruised around trying to figure shit out and I called my buddy Mico.
Porch: “Mico you bum, what are you doing?”
Mico: “Yo nothing what are you doing tonight?”
Porch: “Party in Johnsburg. Can you buy me a case?”
Mico: “What?! You want me to buy you a case for you to go to a party?”
Porch: “Well I don’t think I can invite people.”
Presto: “It’s all good Porch, three other people were meant to come.”
Porch: “Oh well never mind. I’m picking you up right now.”
We picked up Mico and started our hike, which wasn’t close, about a forty five minute drive from where we lived! Once we arrived there were cars everywhere and the houses were huge in the surrounding! Dumb rich drunk sluts? Perfect. I cranked up the accent and
walked into the house. Bitches were everywhere and the place was bumpin’. I see this really cute bimbo and start talking to her.
Porch: “Heyya love how’s things? I’m Porch.”
Bimbo: “OMG hey! I’m Bimbo and I own the house! Nice to meet you!”
Porch: “You too boo, where the Beer Pong at?”
Bimbo: “Um I don’t know probably the basement!”
I was walking around seeing who was here and who to fuck with. I walked around the corner to see this little kid about five feet tall and weighed about hundred pounds with a fork trying to stab the person in front of him.
Porch: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there skipper! What are you doing?”
Skipper: “I’m going to stab him!”
Porch: “What why? Go on, put the fork down.”
Skipper: “Alright thanks. I’m Skipper. I got a case of beer in the fridge, help yourself.”
Porch: “Damn thanks bro! I’m Porch.”
I went into the fridge and stacked up on beers. I put four beers in my shorts and I had two in hand. I walked over to Mico, gave him a beer, and told him to stock up on the beer in the fridge. I was wondering around telling everyone that I’m from Ireland and they all fell in love. Everybody love the Irish guy! Gotta love it! Next thing after that, this tiny little cute brunette girl came over to me.
Brunette: “OMG you’re like 28 years old!”
Porch: “Yeah, I’m defiantly not 19 anyway…”
Brunette: “No-way! You are so like 30!”
For your information, I got this at least five through ten times that night. Dumb fucking high school cunts haven’t seen a person over the age of 18 before or are they straight up re-fucking-tarded?! I walked around the house a little more seeing what’s good and what wasn’t until I made my way down to the basement.
Once I got down into the basement and I seen Mico sitting in a circle smoking some weed. At that time era I wasn’t smoking weed because I was looking for a job and what not. I stayed clean for three months believe it or not! I continued walking and I seen Bimbo and Brunette sitting with a bunch of people in a circle drinking. I guess they are the cool kids of the house.
Brunette: “OMG hey Porch!!!!!!”
Porch: “Hey Brunette! Aren’t you looking just lovely down there?”
Brunette: “Oh stop it!”
Bimbo: “Porch is from Ireland!”
Blah, blah, blah, shit I kept on wondering and talking to the crew. I walked back to the fridge for a beer but there was none left. Fuck man what am I going to do?! I searched the kitchen real quick and I found nothing. I walked into the garage and searched through all of the cabinets and fridges. Absolute nothing! What kind of house is this?! I walked out and started talking to Mico trying to figure shit out. Since it was time to improvise, I went on the beer search yet again. I walked back down into the basement and found nobody like there was before. But nobody doesn’t mean anything because I seen their cooler of beer by where the “Cool Kids” were sitting, I tip-toed my way over and took the cooler out of sight. There were about 10 beers left and I stocked my pockets and hands. I tell ya, if
I am out of beer and if I see an opportunity like this one, I will jump on that shit like Guido’s on sluts. I walked back upstairs and slithered my way into an office room. I hid the beers in a case in the right corner. I sneaked out with a few beers for Mico and I, but I ran into Anthony first.
Porch: “Yo Anth, you got any alcohol left?”
Anthony: “Nah man we drank it all. Where did you get those beers from?”
Porch: “I stole them from a cooler I found downstairs, they are in the office room in the corner if you want any. Don’t drink them all though!”
I handed Mico another beer and we were all feeling pretty good at this point, until we felt even better!
Fat Kid: “Yo there are two girls having sex upstairs!”
Instantly, I shot upstairs like my first boner and walked into the bathroom.
Porch: “WHOA!!!!! Whoops!”
When I walked in, there were three girls in the bathroom. One with her shirt off and they all screamed when I walked in. Nobody was having sex so I left and when I turned around towards the stairs I ran into more excitement.
Bimbo: “Hey do you want to make out?!”
Slut 1: “Um yeah obviously!”
The two ho-bags start making out in front of everybody and everyone started cheering!
Slut 2: “Let me get in on that!”
Now there were three little slutty yanks seeking and exploding for attention. Girls are so dumb. They are trying to get guys attentions in the dumbest ways. I mean, yeah it was kind of cool seeing a bunch of girls make out I guess but still. Saying hello will get enough attention but hey, why not have WHORE tattooed on your forehead just to make it clear for everyone to know?
Porch: “Wait, so all I have to say is “Let me get in on that!” and then I get bitches all over me? “Let me get in on that!” “Let me get in on that!” “Let me get in on that!””
I guess whores stick to their packs. Whatever fuck them bitches, they are too young anyway. I walked back downstairs with beer on my mind. Making rounds back and forth to the office for beer but on my last trip, I noticed that all of the beer was gone and I didn’t drink all of them. Hmm, what could have happened?
Porch: “Yo where is all the beer gone?”
Rich Boy: “I don’t know you guys stole it and drank it all.”
Porch: “Oh yeah, that’s right.”
There were random bouncy balls getting thrown around all night and eventually ended up breaking a window in the front living Boom! Bimbo started breaking out in tears with her dumb friends trying to make her feel better and a bunch of horny cunts all up on her tits trying to get some brownie points….then fuck her. Shit was going down and nearly started a fight. I went up to the guy who rew the ball and I told him I have his back if any shit goes down. I didn’t really like those other kids and I was drunk so it wasn’t a bad combo. Nothing ever ended up happening but those lads ended up leaving.
As if I was a magnet, alcohol always comes my way! In my life, I suffer from the downs to keep me happy with these uppers! I will say that’s fair! I met a few lads and they had a few bottles of whiskey; I got myself a cup or two to stay sippin’. I looked over to the right of me and I seen some little lad knocking over chairs. I walked over, grab him by his shirt, lifted him up, and threw him against the wall.
Porch: “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING KNOCKING OVER CHAIRS?!”
I held him up there for a few seconds and then let him down because I was only fucking with him. Everybody was looking over at this point and when I let the little lad down he punched me in the jaw.
Porch: “GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE!”
I opened the door then I threw him out by the back of the neck, but the little lad was shitting his pants so hard, that he pulled the door handle with him when he flew out and the door handle broke! Not his side or the door but the fucking door handle I was holding! But before I even gave a shit about the door handle, I was clearly fucking pissed that this little lad punched me. Presto came over to me instantly holding me back.
Porch: “FUCK THAT KID! IMA FUCK HIS BITCH ASS UP!!!! LET ME OUTSIDE!”
Presto: “PORCH CHILL OUT, CHILL OUT! FUCK THAT KID!”
Porch: “Alright…fucking cunt.”
I looked down and I seen the door handle in my hand. I could hear Bimbo crying her eyes out and freaking out because her parents were going to kill her or something. But she wasn’t the worst though, a cutie pie that’s down to party? I will call her a keeper. After I see the door handle in my hand I kind of felt bad about it but as Mico said it: “Whatever dude, fuck that bitch.”
The little lad I throughout the door didn’t come back for about an hour but later on in the night I seen him upstairs. The little lad was passed out on the ground like he got ran over by a semi-truck; out for the count.
Porch: “AAAHHHH WELL LOOK AT THIS CUNT!!!!”
Friend: “Dude, he’s passed out puking. Just let him lay there.”
Porch: “Alright, but you gotta give me a shot!”
I chilled with them taking a few shots for a while and I told them the story “The Reason I Quit Drinking Captain Morgan.” They all loved the story and it’s one of my personal favorites. I stayed sippin’ with them for a while until I went downstairs to the gang and the next thing I heard was a HUGE BANG!!!!!! What the fuck was that?!?!?!
Porch: “What the fuck was that?”
Mico: “Oh, I just threw I firework.”
Porch: “Haha really? Why?”
Mico: “Anthony said I could.”
Porch: “Doesn’t his Uncle own this house?”
Mico: “Yeah, but he said he hates him or some shit.”
Porch: “Give me a few fireworks.”
We all went upstairs and the fireworks we had were little bangers. I put one in my mouth pretending it was a fag.
Porch: “OI!! SOMEONE GIVE ME A LIGHTER! I NEED TO LIGHT MY FAG!”
Fag: “NO WAY DUDE! THAT’S NOT A CIGARETTE!”
I kept walking around asking for a lighter but nobody would give me one; they thought I was going to actually smoke the firework. As I fucked around time was ticking. Presto and Nick came up to me to tell me that they were leaving. Hmm, I don’t want to leave, what should I do?
Porch: “Mico, should we leave or crash here?”
Mico: “We should keep drinking.”
Porch: “Down, how are we getting home?”
Mico: “I don’t know; we will figure it out.”
Porch: “Yo Presto, were going to stay here.”
Presto: “Alright man, stay out of trouble!”
Drinking in the kitchen was our situation, in the mist of this, two lads came in through the front door and Bimbo went crazy for them! My radar caught alcohol on its five miles radius! I walked over and talked to them for some drunken fun. About five minutes into our conversation, everyone started going crazy and freaking out at Mico! What the fuck happened?! They are trying to kick us out and all of that bullshit. We were at the door surrounded by a bunch of kids. Bimbo came up to Mico and I telling us that she wants us to stay but all the lads behind her were talking shit.
Porch: “Tell them to shut the fuck up or shit will go down.”
Bimbo: “OMG GUYS SHUT UP!”
Porch: “Bimbo, we will stay in the basement and mind our own business. I don’t even know what the problem
is.”
Bimbo: “Well Mico tried stabbing my friends with a pair of scissors.”
Porch: “Haha wait, what?”
Mico: “Yeah man they were talking shit to you and I got your back.”
Porch: “They were?”
The arguing continued, I was about to go banana’s on these monkey’s but we needed a place to stay and we were very far from our houses. Remember, it was a 45 minute drive to even get here! Everyone is still telling us to leave and still talking shit.
Mico: “Well go get my fucking shoes and I will leave then.”
Fag: “No man fuck you, you go get them!”
Mico: “No that’s a load of bullshit. You are the ones that want me to leave so go get my shoes.”
He actually went all the way into the basement to get his shoes, what a tool. They kept telling us to leave and we all ended up outside at like 3am in the morning. It was Mico and I with twenty-some guys trying to start shit.
Porch: “Yo Oklahoma, come here.”
Oklahoma: “Yo what’s good man?”
Porch: “Shit, tell your friends to stay away from Mico or shit will have to go down. I don’t want anything to happen. I live 45 minutes away. That’s driving. We need to sleep here.”
Oklahoma: “Alright man will do.”
I looked over towards Mico and he is getting ambushed by a bunch of guys.
Porch: “COME ON WHAT THE FUCK!”
I ran over and pushed this lanky fuck out of the way, right before shit started to hit the fan…all you could hear was “COPS!!!!“ OH SHIT!!! Mico ran inside and I ran around the house. As I ran to the side of the house, I kept far to the left, and then seen the huge open space to run. I sprinted straight down the field as fast as I could and then looped my way around to her neighbors’ (right side) backyard where there were trees. I chilled in the trees and just to add to my luck; mosquitoes were eating my whole body! I kept slapping my legs, face, and arms. I could see the street and there were two cop cars and two police officers. I chilled in these trees and kept hidden. I stayed there for about five minutes and then worked my way out of there. Being as quite as I can possibly be; this isn’t
typically quite. But in a life or death situation; I’m and Asian with a mute button. I sneaked my way out of the tree’s and there was a little hump about fifteen feet ahead of me. I army crawled my way up while looking out for cops and flashlights. Still getting rapped by mosquitoes and at that moment, I knew I should have gone home. I recently just got out of jail about two weeks before and I couldn’t get caught, get any sort of ticket, misdemeanor, or felonies. I was still at the hump and the coast was clear. I bear crawled into Bimbo’s backyard, I looked over and I seen a flash light shine from the left and followed through to the right. FUCK! I ran and jumped under the trampoline which was Bimbo’s backyard! The grass wasn’t cut AT ALL and the fucking dumb, horny, annoying mosquitoes wouldn’t get off of me! They were kind of like these girls when they found out about hormones; just non-stop sucking. I camouflaged my way into the grass and hoped the cops wouldn’t see me. The flashlight didn’t enter the backyard at all; I think they just shined it down the open field. Once the flash light was gone I got out from under the trampoline and to the back sliding door. The sliding door was locked with all the lights turned off and nobody in sight. I knocked and rang the buzzer trying to get someone’s attention to save me. Fuck dude, I’m getting arrested tonight. There’s nothing worse than waking up in that jail cell, unless you don’t know how you got there. The moment of truth was deceiving when I seen that flash light shine across again. It was only time when the cops would come around through the back and fuck me in the ass. Since they seen kids run in that direction, why wouldn’t they come through the back? They have probable cause? All I knew was, only time would tell and I did NOT want to be there waiting to find out. Scratching, slapping, and telling the mosquitoes to fuck off was getting old and I still couldn’t get in the house. The flash light got closer and closer, nowhere to hide and no excuse on why I’m there. I knocked on the door and rang the buzzer again slightly trying not to get the cops attention but enough to get someone to save me. Porch: “Yo it’s Porch! Let me in!”
This goes on for about ten minutes and my phone was dead but I keep buzzing and knocking. I don’t know how the cops haven’t came in through the back yet but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they don’t. After about five more minute of this, I looked back into the house and seen Mico coming to the rescue! Take notes kids, never leave a solider behind.
Once I got inside, I noticed a great thing, it was only Mico and I in the house with a bunch of girls, everybody else ran away! Aparently the reason why I waited outside for so long was because the girls didn’t want to let anyone else in. Well fuck them, the
beer was gone and now there’s nothing else to do. We were the survivors!
The house was a fucking wreck! Bimbo was crying and I helped cleaning up a little bit. I don’t know why, but I always feel I have to clean up a little bit when I go to another party. I was sweeping the floor while Bimbo was on the floor sobbing with her makeup is all over her face; she was just hating her life. Broken door handle, broken window, clown face, and a messy house.
Bimbo: “Wh…whh…why are you cleaning? I...I don’t care…I’m just…asking.”
Porch: “I don’t know, you are obviously having a shitty night and you are letting me spend the night here, so it’s the least I can do.”
Bimbo: “Th…thank…you.”
Well that was awkward. Everyone was asleep and the house smelled like puke. While I was sweeping up the floor and Bimbo came over to help me. We got done cleaning and I fixed the door handle I broke. Mr. Fix-it to the rescue! I chilled with the girls, did nothing,
and I got bored. I went into the office room, played some music, and did my Facebook. On the table there was a calendar and it was obviously her dad’s work room. On the day before of the calendar I wrote “I fucked your wife on this table.” On the day of I wrote “I fucked your daughter too.” I turn up the music and started to wonder around. Bimbo was bitching and I didn’t take notice of her. She went into the office room and turned it down.
Bimbo: “KEEP IT DOWN! OR LEAVE!”
Porch: “Yeah I will defiantly keep it down.”
Went to go changed the song and I turned it up all the way.
Bimbo: “What the fuck Porch?!?!?! When are you leaving? IT'S 7AM!!!!”
Porch: “Sorry I didn’t hear you.”
Bimbo: “WHEN ARE…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
Bimbo: “OMG When…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
I continuously cut her off and she would get pissed and walked away. Mico was asleep on the chair and I was still awake. I walked over to the kitchen area and I seen three to-go boxes. I looked inside of it and JACKPOT! Breakfast food! Eggs, sausages, and bacon!
Bimbo: “Um when are you guys leaving? I have to go to Wisconsin.”
Porch: “Oh its fine, I will mind the house for you.”
Bimbo: “No! You have to…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
Mico woke up and joined me with all of this breakfast that we had. Savaging down all of the food and just bumming on this lovely morning. Once around 8am rolled around we thought it was time to call a taxi. But the two of us combined=$0.00 with a stolen Hat and sunglasses. Only God knows how we are going to pay the taxi driver but it will work itself out. Mico suggested that we run away from the cab and I should just follow his lead. Fuck man, I just ran away from the cops now he wants me to run away from a taxi and then cops?!
It turned out Mico’s house was only 15 minutes driving since he moved to Island Lake and the taxi would only be about $25. We got into the taxi and she seemed pretty interested on where we were coming from.
Taxi Driver: “Were you guys drinking last night?”
Porch: “Yeah, there was an open house and partied there last night.”
Taxi Driver: “Yeah, I know the parents that live there. They are in Florida right now.”
Mico: “You should tell them that her daughter threw a huge party last night. She was a bitch too.”
She dropped us off right at Mico’s house. Mico got out of the Taxi first and I started to follow him. Once I made my move, the taxi driver told us that one of us had to stay in the car while one of us went inside for “money”. Mico went inside of his house to search for the cash that he didn’t have and came out with nothing.
Mico: “Uh, I can’t find my wallet…”
Taxi Driver: “Well, you have to pay or I am calling the cops.”
Mico: “Let me go check again.”
He went back inside, called his mom and she ended up paying for the taxi! We walked inside laughing on how that actually worked out! Mico has a German Sheppard dog that absolutely hates me with a fiery passion. I walked in and I laid down on the couch. Champ (The dog) jumps on the couch and sits down next to me by my feet. As I shitted my heart out of my asshole, I counted the 100 sheep and fell asleep.
Barely slept and I woke up with Champ in the same position. I sneaked off the couch and went to the bathroom. I took my piss and as I opened the door Champ was sitting outside of the door staring me down. He would growl every time I tried to open the door. Fuck, I’m getting bullied by a dog. But a very scary dog! About twenty minutes went by and I was still in the bathroom; cornered by this dog. I tried yelling for help but Mico was passed out cold. Finally, Mico woke up to my S.O.S call and started knocking on the door making Champ think that somebody was at the front door. He started barking and running towards the door. I seen my gap and I
took it! I ran to the computer, sat down, and tried my hardest not to make eye contact with Champ. I was posting Facebook status’ trying to get someone to pick me up but no good. Bumblefuck over rules all friendships; you are a lone wolf in the middle of the Antarctica with basically nowhere to go. It feels like you are falling from outer space because things have been just going downhill. My phone was dead and Mico didn’t have his phone charger. We were fucked beyond all needs. Champ came near me again but he was more towards the bathroom and I was to the right of it. It was time for me to go piss again but Champ would not let me in. Every move I made he would growl. Seriously? Can I just go piss and you can just fuck off or something? Go piss on fire hydrants or chase your tail! Fuck it, I’m going to just hold it. Mico finally woke up and we decide on how we are going to get out of here. I go through my Facebook and he does his; no good. Ever since Mico woke up Champ got a lot nicer to me. I sat down next to Champ and watched TV knowing that everything will be okay! I tried petting him, since I’m in the zone, but he snapped and barked very loudly at me! If there is anything in life that I am afraid of, it’s defiantly this dog. I stood in the corner waiting to be saved. Champ is staring me down like a hawk and every move I tried to make, his growls would get louder.
[5 minutes later]
Mico: “Porch, where did you go?”
Porch: “Your dog has me cornered and I can’t move without my life being threatened.”
Mico: “Just walk over and never mind him.”
Ugh worst thing about being a man is that you have to be a MAN! No time for pussin’ out or being a little bitch about it. JUST DO IT! Nope, I can’t do it; slowly but surely I tip-toed my way out of the corner when he wasn’t looking. Once I got close enough, I leaped
into the safety zone!
Porch: “Yo do you have a house phone?”
Mico: “No, we have to go to the neighbors’ house to ask if we can use theirs.”
Porch: “Are you kidding me? I don’t want to do that!”
Mico: “Yeah well we kind of have too.”
Porch: “Fuck my life.”
Ugh so we walked out to his neighbors’ house but nobody was home. We walked down the street to another house and knocked. The second we knocked their dogs viscously freaked out like when a crack head goes dry. I shook my head and thought to myself “I fucking hate dogs…” A small lady came to the door and we asked if we could use her phone. We talked about how Mico is her neighbor and how it would be growing up here. Yaknow, that shit. I called Mother Goose to pick me up and I told her how to get there and what not. Successfully enough I got a ride! But it’s going to Elgin and we were trying to go to Arlington Heights.
About an hour later Mother Goose pulled in the driveway to take me home. Mico walked out first hoping she can drop us in Arlington Heights. I followed behind Mico but before I got out Champ was right there staring me down. Honestly, what did I do for this dog to torment me and have me locked in this house? I called for help, but Mico just told me to never mind the dog. Yeah, okay that’s cool, I will just not even pay attention to this growling-Porch-wanting-hungry-dying-to-kill-me dog. Why didn’t I think of that? I started to sneak my way there…like that’s possible for my big oaf ass. Slowly moving my way closer to the door, once I got close enough, I zoomed for the door like an African for food.
Unfortunately, Mother Goose couldn’t take us to Arlington Heights, that left me stuck in Elgin and Mico still at his house in Island Lake, probably the two shittiest places on Earth.
We made our way home and she was telling me how she was calling all of my friends because she was worried that I died or landed in jail. She said she called Stefani and it didn’t seem that she was very fond of Mico. Well there’s another day for us to sit around
the fire to tell that story. I told her all of that mumbo-jumbo, just like always, she always tries to figure out all of what is going on in our lives. She is the kind of Mother Goose who is always happy like the mother from That 70’s Show.
Mother Goose: “What? I thought Stefani and Mico were tight?!”
Oh god damn mother you are one silly guy! Her using slang is like George Washington wearing saggy jeans and playing craps down in Cabrini Green. Finally we made it home down the half hour trip and success was all on my mind.
No money, no problems. Getting around with no money isn’t easy but if you let it figure itself out then it will; well mostly. After that night you can only tell yourself to have fun and fuck everything else. Responsibilities shall fall in place but it’s up to you to choose which is the weakest link and how can you live your life without fucking it up. Your parent’s rules are good for the future, but without a past how can you make it there? Have fun and get drunk while you are doing it.
Stay Wasted, Porch.
Written March 2011
When a typical day turns into a stranded night in Johnsburg, IL with a small riot about to break out
because your friend tried stabbing someone with a pair of scissors, it’s almost impossible to wrap your mind around the night that you’re part-taking because it seems like a big bomb of excitement exploding right in front of you.
While hanging out with the lads, Presto said he had a party for us up in Johnsburg, but while he mentioned
this, he said I wasn’t allowed to go with. Wait, what the fuck?! Are you kidding me?! Right then and there, I felt like an average person. Is this how it feels when you drop the fuck off bomb on someone? Fuck, I’m Porch McDonagh! I always get to go to the parties! After a short pout session, Presto confronted me.
Presto: “Yo Porch you can come to the party if you get us booze.”
Porch: “Yes, I can most defiantly get you alcohol!”
Fuuccckkkk yeeaaahhhh!!!!! Peace out average life, Porch McFuckingDonagh Tha Stunna is rolling through! These fuckers must have been twiddling with my balls…god damn it! We gathered up in the car and met up with a few lads; Anthony, Kurt, and Kevin. Anthony’s cousin was throwing the party out and when he walked out of his house he couldn’t have looked any better! He came walking out with a bunch of bottles of liquor in his hands. After jacking off and exploding with mass amounts of semen, I knew that I owe him a night out on the town! I made a bunch of phone calls trying to get more alcohol but it was a bust. We cruised around trying to figure shit out and I called my buddy Mico.
Porch: “Mico you bum, what are you doing?”
Mico: “Yo nothing what are you doing tonight?”
Porch: “Party in Johnsburg. Can you buy me a case?”
Mico: “What?! You want me to buy you a case for you to go to a party?”
Porch: “Well I don’t think I can invite people.”
Presto: “It’s all good Porch, three other people were meant to come.”
Porch: “Oh well never mind. I’m picking you up right now.”
We picked up Mico and started our hike, which wasn’t close, about a forty five minute drive from where we lived! Once we arrived there were cars everywhere and the houses were huge in the surrounding! Dumb rich drunk sluts? Perfect. I cranked up the accent and
walked into the house. Bitches were everywhere and the place was bumpin’. I see this really cute bimbo and start talking to her.
Porch: “Heyya love how’s things? I’m Porch.”
Bimbo: “OMG hey! I’m Bimbo and I own the house! Nice to meet you!”
Porch: “You too boo, where the Beer Pong at?”
Bimbo: “Um I don’t know probably the basement!”
I was walking around seeing who was here and who to fuck with. I walked around the corner to see this little kid about five feet tall and weighed about hundred pounds with a fork trying to stab the person in front of him.
Porch: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there skipper! What are you doing?”
Skipper: “I’m going to stab him!”
Porch: “What why? Go on, put the fork down.”
Skipper: “Alright thanks. I’m Skipper. I got a case of beer in the fridge, help yourself.”
Porch: “Damn thanks bro! I’m Porch.”
I went into the fridge and stacked up on beers. I put four beers in my shorts and I had two in hand. I walked over to Mico, gave him a beer, and told him to stock up on the beer in the fridge. I was wondering around telling everyone that I’m from Ireland and they all fell in love. Everybody love the Irish guy! Gotta love it! Next thing after that, this tiny little cute brunette girl came over to me.
Brunette: “OMG you’re like 28 years old!”
Porch: “Yeah, I’m defiantly not 19 anyway…”
Brunette: “No-way! You are so like 30!”
For your information, I got this at least five through ten times that night. Dumb fucking high school cunts haven’t seen a person over the age of 18 before or are they straight up re-fucking-tarded?! I walked around the house a little more seeing what’s good and what wasn’t until I made my way down to the basement.
Once I got down into the basement and I seen Mico sitting in a circle smoking some weed. At that time era I wasn’t smoking weed because I was looking for a job and what not. I stayed clean for three months believe it or not! I continued walking and I seen Bimbo and Brunette sitting with a bunch of people in a circle drinking. I guess they are the cool kids of the house.
Brunette: “OMG hey Porch!!!!!!”
Porch: “Hey Brunette! Aren’t you looking just lovely down there?”
Brunette: “Oh stop it!”
Bimbo: “Porch is from Ireland!”
Blah, blah, blah, shit I kept on wondering and talking to the crew. I walked back to the fridge for a beer but there was none left. Fuck man what am I going to do?! I searched the kitchen real quick and I found nothing. I walked into the garage and searched through all of the cabinets and fridges. Absolute nothing! What kind of house is this?! I walked out and started talking to Mico trying to figure shit out. Since it was time to improvise, I went on the beer search yet again. I walked back down into the basement and found nobody like there was before. But nobody doesn’t mean anything because I seen their cooler of beer by where the “Cool Kids” were sitting, I tip-toed my way over and took the cooler out of sight. There were about 10 beers left and I stocked my pockets and hands. I tell ya, if
I am out of beer and if I see an opportunity like this one, I will jump on that shit like Guido’s on sluts. I walked back upstairs and slithered my way into an office room. I hid the beers in a case in the right corner. I sneaked out with a few beers for Mico and I, but I ran into Anthony first.
Porch: “Yo Anth, you got any alcohol left?”
Anthony: “Nah man we drank it all. Where did you get those beers from?”
Porch: “I stole them from a cooler I found downstairs, they are in the office room in the corner if you want any. Don’t drink them all though!”
I handed Mico another beer and we were all feeling pretty good at this point, until we felt even better!
Fat Kid: “Yo there are two girls having sex upstairs!”
Instantly, I shot upstairs like my first boner and walked into the bathroom.
Porch: “WHOA!!!!! Whoops!”
When I walked in, there were three girls in the bathroom. One with her shirt off and they all screamed when I walked in. Nobody was having sex so I left and when I turned around towards the stairs I ran into more excitement.
Bimbo: “Hey do you want to make out?!”
Slut 1: “Um yeah obviously!”
The two ho-bags start making out in front of everybody and everyone started cheering!
Slut 2: “Let me get in on that!”
Now there were three little slutty yanks seeking and exploding for attention. Girls are so dumb. They are trying to get guys attentions in the dumbest ways. I mean, yeah it was kind of cool seeing a bunch of girls make out I guess but still. Saying hello will get enough attention but hey, why not have WHORE tattooed on your forehead just to make it clear for everyone to know?
Porch: “Wait, so all I have to say is “Let me get in on that!” and then I get bitches all over me? “Let me get in on that!” “Let me get in on that!” “Let me get in on that!””
I guess whores stick to their packs. Whatever fuck them bitches, they are too young anyway. I walked back downstairs with beer on my mind. Making rounds back and forth to the office for beer but on my last trip, I noticed that all of the beer was gone and I didn’t drink all of them. Hmm, what could have happened?
Porch: “Yo where is all the beer gone?”
Rich Boy: “I don’t know you guys stole it and drank it all.”
Porch: “Oh yeah, that’s right.”
There were random bouncy balls getting thrown around all night and eventually ended up breaking a window in the front living Boom! Bimbo started breaking out in tears with her dumb friends trying to make her feel better and a bunch of horny cunts all up on her tits trying to get some brownie points….then fuck her. Shit was going down and nearly started a fight. I went up to the guy who rew the ball and I told him I have his back if any shit goes down. I didn’t really like those other kids and I was drunk so it wasn’t a bad combo. Nothing ever ended up happening but those lads ended up leaving.
As if I was a magnet, alcohol always comes my way! In my life, I suffer from the downs to keep me happy with these uppers! I will say that’s fair! I met a few lads and they had a few bottles of whiskey; I got myself a cup or two to stay sippin’. I looked over to the right of me and I seen some little lad knocking over chairs. I walked over, grab him by his shirt, lifted him up, and threw him against the wall.
Porch: “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING KNOCKING OVER CHAIRS?!”
I held him up there for a few seconds and then let him down because I was only fucking with him. Everybody was looking over at this point and when I let the little lad down he punched me in the jaw.
Porch: “GET THE FUCK OUTSIDE!”
I opened the door then I threw him out by the back of the neck, but the little lad was shitting his pants so hard, that he pulled the door handle with him when he flew out and the door handle broke! Not his side or the door but the fucking door handle I was holding! But before I even gave a shit about the door handle, I was clearly fucking pissed that this little lad punched me. Presto came over to me instantly holding me back.
Porch: “FUCK THAT KID! IMA FUCK HIS BITCH ASS UP!!!! LET ME OUTSIDE!”
Presto: “PORCH CHILL OUT, CHILL OUT! FUCK THAT KID!”
Porch: “Alright…fucking cunt.”
I looked down and I seen the door handle in my hand. I could hear Bimbo crying her eyes out and freaking out because her parents were going to kill her or something. But she wasn’t the worst though, a cutie pie that’s down to party? I will call her a keeper. After I see the door handle in my hand I kind of felt bad about it but as Mico said it: “Whatever dude, fuck that bitch.”
The little lad I throughout the door didn’t come back for about an hour but later on in the night I seen him upstairs. The little lad was passed out on the ground like he got ran over by a semi-truck; out for the count.
Porch: “AAAHHHH WELL LOOK AT THIS CUNT!!!!”
Friend: “Dude, he’s passed out puking. Just let him lay there.”
Porch: “Alright, but you gotta give me a shot!”
I chilled with them taking a few shots for a while and I told them the story “The Reason I Quit Drinking Captain Morgan.” They all loved the story and it’s one of my personal favorites. I stayed sippin’ with them for a while until I went downstairs to the gang and the next thing I heard was a HUGE BANG!!!!!! What the fuck was that?!?!?!
Porch: “What the fuck was that?”
Mico: “Oh, I just threw I firework.”
Porch: “Haha really? Why?”
Mico: “Anthony said I could.”
Porch: “Doesn’t his Uncle own this house?”
Mico: “Yeah, but he said he hates him or some shit.”
Porch: “Give me a few fireworks.”
We all went upstairs and the fireworks we had were little bangers. I put one in my mouth pretending it was a fag.
Porch: “OI!! SOMEONE GIVE ME A LIGHTER! I NEED TO LIGHT MY FAG!”
Fag: “NO WAY DUDE! THAT’S NOT A CIGARETTE!”
I kept walking around asking for a lighter but nobody would give me one; they thought I was going to actually smoke the firework. As I fucked around time was ticking. Presto and Nick came up to me to tell me that they were leaving. Hmm, I don’t want to leave, what should I do?
Porch: “Mico, should we leave or crash here?”
Mico: “We should keep drinking.”
Porch: “Down, how are we getting home?”
Mico: “I don’t know; we will figure it out.”
Porch: “Yo Presto, were going to stay here.”
Presto: “Alright man, stay out of trouble!”
Drinking in the kitchen was our situation, in the mist of this, two lads came in through the front door and Bimbo went crazy for them! My radar caught alcohol on its five miles radius! I walked over and talked to them for some drunken fun. About five minutes into our conversation, everyone started going crazy and freaking out at Mico! What the fuck happened?! They are trying to kick us out and all of that bullshit. We were at the door surrounded by a bunch of kids. Bimbo came up to Mico and I telling us that she wants us to stay but all the lads behind her were talking shit.
Porch: “Tell them to shut the fuck up or shit will go down.”
Bimbo: “OMG GUYS SHUT UP!”
Porch: “Bimbo, we will stay in the basement and mind our own business. I don’t even know what the problem
is.”
Bimbo: “Well Mico tried stabbing my friends with a pair of scissors.”
Porch: “Haha wait, what?”
Mico: “Yeah man they were talking shit to you and I got your back.”
Porch: “They were?”
The arguing continued, I was about to go banana’s on these monkey’s but we needed a place to stay and we were very far from our houses. Remember, it was a 45 minute drive to even get here! Everyone is still telling us to leave and still talking shit.
Mico: “Well go get my fucking shoes and I will leave then.”
Fag: “No man fuck you, you go get them!”
Mico: “No that’s a load of bullshit. You are the ones that want me to leave so go get my shoes.”
He actually went all the way into the basement to get his shoes, what a tool. They kept telling us to leave and we all ended up outside at like 3am in the morning. It was Mico and I with twenty-some guys trying to start shit.
Porch: “Yo Oklahoma, come here.”
Oklahoma: “Yo what’s good man?”
Porch: “Shit, tell your friends to stay away from Mico or shit will have to go down. I don’t want anything to happen. I live 45 minutes away. That’s driving. We need to sleep here.”
Oklahoma: “Alright man will do.”
I looked over towards Mico and he is getting ambushed by a bunch of guys.
Porch: “COME ON WHAT THE FUCK!”
I ran over and pushed this lanky fuck out of the way, right before shit started to hit the fan…all you could hear was “COPS!!!!“ OH SHIT!!! Mico ran inside and I ran around the house. As I ran to the side of the house, I kept far to the left, and then seen the huge open space to run. I sprinted straight down the field as fast as I could and then looped my way around to her neighbors’ (right side) backyard where there were trees. I chilled in the trees and just to add to my luck; mosquitoes were eating my whole body! I kept slapping my legs, face, and arms. I could see the street and there were two cop cars and two police officers. I chilled in these trees and kept hidden. I stayed there for about five minutes and then worked my way out of there. Being as quite as I can possibly be; this isn’t
typically quite. But in a life or death situation; I’m and Asian with a mute button. I sneaked my way out of the tree’s and there was a little hump about fifteen feet ahead of me. I army crawled my way up while looking out for cops and flashlights. Still getting rapped by mosquitoes and at that moment, I knew I should have gone home. I recently just got out of jail about two weeks before and I couldn’t get caught, get any sort of ticket, misdemeanor, or felonies. I was still at the hump and the coast was clear. I bear crawled into Bimbo’s backyard, I looked over and I seen a flash light shine from the left and followed through to the right. FUCK! I ran and jumped under the trampoline which was Bimbo’s backyard! The grass wasn’t cut AT ALL and the fucking dumb, horny, annoying mosquitoes wouldn’t get off of me! They were kind of like these girls when they found out about hormones; just non-stop sucking. I camouflaged my way into the grass and hoped the cops wouldn’t see me. The flashlight didn’t enter the backyard at all; I think they just shined it down the open field. Once the flash light was gone I got out from under the trampoline and to the back sliding door. The sliding door was locked with all the lights turned off and nobody in sight. I knocked and rang the buzzer trying to get someone’s attention to save me. Fuck dude, I’m getting arrested tonight. There’s nothing worse than waking up in that jail cell, unless you don’t know how you got there. The moment of truth was deceiving when I seen that flash light shine across again. It was only time when the cops would come around through the back and fuck me in the ass. Since they seen kids run in that direction, why wouldn’t they come through the back? They have probable cause? All I knew was, only time would tell and I did NOT want to be there waiting to find out. Scratching, slapping, and telling the mosquitoes to fuck off was getting old and I still couldn’t get in the house. The flash light got closer and closer, nowhere to hide and no excuse on why I’m there. I knocked on the door and rang the buzzer again slightly trying not to get the cops attention but enough to get someone to save me. Porch: “Yo it’s Porch! Let me in!”
This goes on for about ten minutes and my phone was dead but I keep buzzing and knocking. I don’t know how the cops haven’t came in through the back yet but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they don’t. After about five more minute of this, I looked back into the house and seen Mico coming to the rescue! Take notes kids, never leave a solider behind.
Once I got inside, I noticed a great thing, it was only Mico and I in the house with a bunch of girls, everybody else ran away! Aparently the reason why I waited outside for so long was because the girls didn’t want to let anyone else in. Well fuck them, the
beer was gone and now there’s nothing else to do. We were the survivors!
The house was a fucking wreck! Bimbo was crying and I helped cleaning up a little bit. I don’t know why, but I always feel I have to clean up a little bit when I go to another party. I was sweeping the floor while Bimbo was on the floor sobbing with her makeup is all over her face; she was just hating her life. Broken door handle, broken window, clown face, and a messy house.
Bimbo: “Wh…whh…why are you cleaning? I...I don’t care…I’m just…asking.”
Porch: “I don’t know, you are obviously having a shitty night and you are letting me spend the night here, so it’s the least I can do.”
Bimbo: “Th…thank…you.”
Well that was awkward. Everyone was asleep and the house smelled like puke. While I was sweeping up the floor and Bimbo came over to help me. We got done cleaning and I fixed the door handle I broke. Mr. Fix-it to the rescue! I chilled with the girls, did nothing,
and I got bored. I went into the office room, played some music, and did my Facebook. On the table there was a calendar and it was obviously her dad’s work room. On the day before of the calendar I wrote “I fucked your wife on this table.” On the day of I wrote “I fucked your daughter too.” I turn up the music and started to wonder around. Bimbo was bitching and I didn’t take notice of her. She went into the office room and turned it down.
Bimbo: “KEEP IT DOWN! OR LEAVE!”
Porch: “Yeah I will defiantly keep it down.”
Went to go changed the song and I turned it up all the way.
Bimbo: “What the fuck Porch?!?!?! When are you leaving? IT'S 7AM!!!!”
Porch: “Sorry I didn’t hear you.”
Bimbo: “WHEN ARE…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
Bimbo: “OMG When…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
I continuously cut her off and she would get pissed and walked away. Mico was asleep on the chair and I was still awake. I walked over to the kitchen area and I seen three to-go boxes. I looked inside of it and JACKPOT! Breakfast food! Eggs, sausages, and bacon!
Bimbo: “Um when are you guys leaving? I have to go to Wisconsin.”
Porch: “Oh its fine, I will mind the house for you.”
Bimbo: “No! You have to…”
Porch: “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!”
Mico woke up and joined me with all of this breakfast that we had. Savaging down all of the food and just bumming on this lovely morning. Once around 8am rolled around we thought it was time to call a taxi. But the two of us combined=$0.00 with a stolen Hat and sunglasses. Only God knows how we are going to pay the taxi driver but it will work itself out. Mico suggested that we run away from the cab and I should just follow his lead. Fuck man, I just ran away from the cops now he wants me to run away from a taxi and then cops?!
It turned out Mico’s house was only 15 minutes driving since he moved to Island Lake and the taxi would only be about $25. We got into the taxi and she seemed pretty interested on where we were coming from.
Taxi Driver: “Were you guys drinking last night?”
Porch: “Yeah, there was an open house and partied there last night.”
Taxi Driver: “Yeah, I know the parents that live there. They are in Florida right now.”
Mico: “You should tell them that her daughter threw a huge party last night. She was a bitch too.”
She dropped us off right at Mico’s house. Mico got out of the Taxi first and I started to follow him. Once I made my move, the taxi driver told us that one of us had to stay in the car while one of us went inside for “money”. Mico went inside of his house to search for the cash that he didn’t have and came out with nothing.
Mico: “Uh, I can’t find my wallet…”
Taxi Driver: “Well, you have to pay or I am calling the cops.”
Mico: “Let me go check again.”
He went back inside, called his mom and she ended up paying for the taxi! We walked inside laughing on how that actually worked out! Mico has a German Sheppard dog that absolutely hates me with a fiery passion. I walked in and I laid down on the couch. Champ (The dog) jumps on the couch and sits down next to me by my feet. As I shitted my heart out of my asshole, I counted the 100 sheep and fell asleep.
Barely slept and I woke up with Champ in the same position. I sneaked off the couch and went to the bathroom. I took my piss and as I opened the door Champ was sitting outside of the door staring me down. He would growl every time I tried to open the door. Fuck, I’m getting bullied by a dog. But a very scary dog! About twenty minutes went by and I was still in the bathroom; cornered by this dog. I tried yelling for help but Mico was passed out cold. Finally, Mico woke up to my S.O.S call and started knocking on the door making Champ think that somebody was at the front door. He started barking and running towards the door. I seen my gap and I
took it! I ran to the computer, sat down, and tried my hardest not to make eye contact with Champ. I was posting Facebook status’ trying to get someone to pick me up but no good. Bumblefuck over rules all friendships; you are a lone wolf in the middle of the Antarctica with basically nowhere to go. It feels like you are falling from outer space because things have been just going downhill. My phone was dead and Mico didn’t have his phone charger. We were fucked beyond all needs. Champ came near me again but he was more towards the bathroom and I was to the right of it. It was time for me to go piss again but Champ would not let me in. Every move I made he would growl. Seriously? Can I just go piss and you can just fuck off or something? Go piss on fire hydrants or chase your tail! Fuck it, I’m going to just hold it. Mico finally woke up and we decide on how we are going to get out of here. I go through my Facebook and he does his; no good. Ever since Mico woke up Champ got a lot nicer to me. I sat down next to Champ and watched TV knowing that everything will be okay! I tried petting him, since I’m in the zone, but he snapped and barked very loudly at me! If there is anything in life that I am afraid of, it’s defiantly this dog. I stood in the corner waiting to be saved. Champ is staring me down like a hawk and every move I tried to make, his growls would get louder.
[5 minutes later]
Mico: “Porch, where did you go?”
Porch: “Your dog has me cornered and I can’t move without my life being threatened.”
Mico: “Just walk over and never mind him.”
Ugh worst thing about being a man is that you have to be a MAN! No time for pussin’ out or being a little bitch about it. JUST DO IT! Nope, I can’t do it; slowly but surely I tip-toed my way out of the corner when he wasn’t looking. Once I got close enough, I leaped
into the safety zone!
Porch: “Yo do you have a house phone?”
Mico: “No, we have to go to the neighbors’ house to ask if we can use theirs.”
Porch: “Are you kidding me? I don’t want to do that!”
Mico: “Yeah well we kind of have too.”
Porch: “Fuck my life.”
Ugh so we walked out to his neighbors’ house but nobody was home. We walked down the street to another house and knocked. The second we knocked their dogs viscously freaked out like when a crack head goes dry. I shook my head and thought to myself “I fucking hate dogs…” A small lady came to the door and we asked if we could use her phone. We talked about how Mico is her neighbor and how it would be growing up here. Yaknow, that shit. I called Mother Goose to pick me up and I told her how to get there and what not. Successfully enough I got a ride! But it’s going to Elgin and we were trying to go to Arlington Heights.
About an hour later Mother Goose pulled in the driveway to take me home. Mico walked out first hoping she can drop us in Arlington Heights. I followed behind Mico but before I got out Champ was right there staring me down. Honestly, what did I do for this dog to torment me and have me locked in this house? I called for help, but Mico just told me to never mind the dog. Yeah, okay that’s cool, I will just not even pay attention to this growling-Porch-wanting-hungry-dying-to-kill-me dog. Why didn’t I think of that? I started to sneak my way there…like that’s possible for my big oaf ass. Slowly moving my way closer to the door, once I got close enough, I zoomed for the door like an African for food.
Unfortunately, Mother Goose couldn’t take us to Arlington Heights, that left me stuck in Elgin and Mico still at his house in Island Lake, probably the two shittiest places on Earth.
We made our way home and she was telling me how she was calling all of my friends because she was worried that I died or landed in jail. She said she called Stefani and it didn’t seem that she was very fond of Mico. Well there’s another day for us to sit around
the fire to tell that story. I told her all of that mumbo-jumbo, just like always, she always tries to figure out all of what is going on in our lives. She is the kind of Mother Goose who is always happy like the mother from That 70’s Show.
Mother Goose: “What? I thought Stefani and Mico were tight?!”
Oh god damn mother you are one silly guy! Her using slang is like George Washington wearing saggy jeans and playing craps down in Cabrini Green. Finally we made it home down the half hour trip and success was all on my mind.
No money, no problems. Getting around with no money isn’t easy but if you let it figure itself out then it will; well mostly. After that night you can only tell yourself to have fun and fuck everything else. Responsibilities shall fall in place but it’s up to you to choose which is the weakest link and how can you live your life without fucking it up. Your parent’s rules are good for the future, but without a past how can you make it there? Have fun and get drunk while you are doing it.
Stay Wasted, Porch.